When I
say the words, “what’s on your heart this day?” you will more than likely begin
to talk to me about feelings. For
centuries, perhaps from the beginning of human time, people have talked about
the heart as the center of feelings.
Brain= thoughts; heart= feelings.
Interestingly, these are also the two organs that determine whether or
not we are ‘alive’ in the truest medical sense.
Dr.’s talk about lack of brain activity and we know what that
means. When the heart stops beating, if
it cannot be restarted and sustained, life, as we know it, ceases. Except in cases of mental impairment, most of
us do not have difficulty accessing our brains, and, therefore, our
thoughts. Our feelings, on the other
hand, seem much more elusive. We, and
I’m quoting now, “try to figure out what we are feeling”; or, we work with a
therapist so we “know what we are feeling”.
When I was newly married, now 40+ years ago, my now ex-husband and I
were in counseling (I know—a clue, right?).
He was a pastor, and a very loving man.
However, as hard as he tried, he could not identify a feeling if it was
staring him in the face. He seemed to be
completely cut-off from knowing his heart.
Unfortunately, I took to identifying his feelings for him—not a helpful
or, even particularly loving, approach.
The point of this story? We must
know our hearts for ourselves. And,
knowing our hearts and trusting what we know is the beginning of authentic
faith.
Thinking
about God with no fences can be scary, particularly if you are a person who
finds great comfort in the facts. Many
of us do, about half of us, actually.
The rest of us are much more comfortable in the realm of feelings. When I was writing training curricula, I knew
to be very careful to include activities for the mind—the so-called ‘cognitive
domain’, and for the heart—the so called ‘affective domain’. So, whichever way you operate, never fear,
you and about half of the rest of the world operate the same way. What leads us into authentic faith, however,
is our ability to trust what it is that our hearts are telling us. There are so many things that seek to
separate us from knowing our hearts in our current world. Advertisements convince me that I truly need
the newest and greatest whatchamacallit and I linger on the verge of buying it
when my heart whispers, ‘simplify—you have no need for one more of these’. Media tells me that in order to be sexy, men
and women must be ripped. I didn’t even
know what ripped meant until lately but I get it now. My heart tells me that sexuality is linked to
what is inside—separate from worldly ideals and fashion.
My mind
may tell me that it is easier to have faith when I have a well-defined set of
beliefs and that, in order for me to have a good relationship with God, I need
to know and adhere to these beliefs. My
heart whispers that it is not so—that my faith with and in God will change over
time as I grow and mature and simply live the complexities of life along the
way. How do we learn, if we want to, to
trust the whisperings of our hearts when so much of our history and life
experiences causes us to hide behind the fence of certainty? Those of you who were at the retreat saw a
brief video clip of Bishop Yvette Flunder of the Fellowship of Affirming
Ministries acknowledge that there are many things that she does not know. Do you have any idea how frightening it is
for a pastor to say for all to hear, “I don’t know”? It took me years to be able to do it—they
don’t teach you that in seminary or at least they didn’t ‘back in the day’—that
it is ok to be human as a pastor, to have more questions than answers; and,
even still when I tell some of you that I don’t know the answer to something,
my nerves are a little rattled as I wait for your response. It’s ok, though, I think it’s important for
you to know that I don’t have all the answers, not because I didn’t study very
well for this test we call ‘life’; but, because there is no course of study
that will give us all the answers; and, if such a course claims to have all the
answers, I would suggest that it is not a course about the God of mystery.
So,
back to our hearts. I want you, if you
are comfortable doing so, to put your hand over your heart. Some of us are familiar with our heart
chakras, the energy center connected to our feelings. We put our hands to our hearts when we make a
pledge. We ‘cross our hearts and hope to
die’ when we promise something to someone.
But, for a minute, just place your hand on your heart and let yourself
experience whatever feeling comes up for you.
… Even if the only feeling you
felt was uncomfortable or foolish, that’s ok, you still got in touch with your
heart. I hope that perhaps some of you
experienced a feeling of expectancy, or hope, or even excitement. Our hearts, in the emotional sense, not the
organic one, brings to our lives the authenticity that so many of us
desire.
I will
tell you this, you learn to trust your heart, the same way you get to play at
Carnegie Hall—practice, practice, practice.
If you are new to trusting your heart, it may bring with it fear. It will certainly bring with it all the
voices in your life who may have told you that you could not possibly know and
trust your own heart. For those of us
who are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgender and are of a ‘certain age’ it
may, or even, more than likely will, bring forth all those voices who told you
that you were wrong about your sexuality or gender expression. And, there were a million reasons you were
wrong. But you knew—remember the
certainty, scary though it may have been, when you first knew with no doubts
that you were not what others thought you were or desperately wanted you to
be—you just knew.
So,
what does practicing the knowing of our hearts look like?
·
First, it requires you to shut off the voices coming
from other places or at least turn down the volume. I cannot tell you where those voices come
from for you, but you know. This may
require a brief withdrawal from people who have a negative impact on your
ability to know your own heart. Much
like an alcoholic who separates herself or himself from their friends who tell
them that it is ok to drink, it may be necessary to remove yourself from the
presence of those who question your ability to express your authentic feelings
and faith.
·
Second, it requires that you spend some time
with you. This does not always mean
going away to a mountain or a beach. It
can just mean giving yourself permission to be almost constantly in touch with
your feelings. It means to stop for a
moment when someone challenges your truth and ask yourself what you are
feeling. Perhaps you will find that you
do not need to defend your authenticity at all.
You simply need to touch it and defending it becomes unimportant.
·
Third, find some other people who want to follow
the same kind of journey as you do; and by journey I mean “a commitment to
knowing your own truth free from the influences of anyone or anything other
than your own experience with the Divine Spirit of God”. Spend some time with them and share your
story.
·
Fourth, celebrate the voice of your own
experience. Thank God for speaking to
you in ways different from all others.
Rejoice in the uniqueness of your walk with God. Share what you feel led to share but leave
aside all thoughts of garnering agreement from those with whom you share. Always know that unless what you are
experiencing is hurtful towards yourself or others, you are on the right
track—your own track. If it is hurtful,
you know that you need to seek help from others.
·
Finally, rest.
Just as God rested, and Jesus drew away to be in a quiet place, you need
rest as well—spiritual and physical rest.
What does all this say to our
communal journey regarding our conversations about a God without fences? I believe that the beginning of conversations
will rely on truly knowing and understanding where each of us is coming
from. Once that has occurred, we will be
able to begin talking about living and loving together. Trust your knowing and offer support to
others who are learning to trust their knowing. Please know and remember—we will not all have,
nor should we, the same “knowing”. For
some of us, our knowing will sound very traditional; and, as long as we come to
that freely and within our own experience, that is a beautiful thing. Some of us will sound a little more
mysterious or mystical when we describe our experiences—for many that is the
way to authentic faith. Some of us, will
be stirred almost immediately to take action—to work for justice with passion or
to spend time with others who are in situations that are trying their ability
to stay connected. Don’t you see? We are each wonderfully, and individually
made. We are made in the image of
God—the God beyond knowing, and, yet made known to us in the caves of our
hearts where our deepest and truest experiences of God reside. Together we will know our hearts; and,
together we will become more and more a community of authentic and blessed
faith. May it be so. Amen and amen and Namaste.
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